The Edge of Civilization

Acclimatization is the process of becoming accustomed to a new climate or new conditions.  One morning in early September 2005, I was having a cigarette and some coffee with the other marines next to our building in Al Qaim, Iraq.  This was part of our normal morning routine, but on this day, I felt a little chilly, so I went back inside to grab my Marine Corps issued fleece sweatshirt.  When I got back out to the smoke pit, I looked up at the thermometer on the wall which read a brisk 89 degrees Fahrenheit.  This was an example of acclimatization, and it was important because the process that made me feel cold in 90-degree weather kept me from dying after wearing 70 pounds of equipment for hours in 115 degree weather.  Acclimatization can also apply to other environmental factors and situations.  Endurance athletes who train at high altitudes perform better when they come down to sea level and I imagine race car drivers feel they are in slow motion when they are driving the speed limit on the highway.

I was recently reassigned to the Internal Affairs Division as an investigator.  I had been offered the position three times in four years and each time I respectfully declined, but on the fourth time they stopped asking.  My approach to my policing career can best be described as “Peter Panning” my way around from one exiting thing to another.  Not that my assignments have been easy, some have been quite difficult, its just that I have never worked anywhere for the purpose of advancing myself to a higher rank.  I have only pursued jobs that were exciting or interesting to me like the Gang Unit, SWAT Team, Rangemaster, Violent Criminal Apprehension Team, etc.  To the degree I have taken any career advancing steps, they have always been at the encouraging of my wife and for the benefit of my family.  Every time she has been right and I am grateful because without her I would have the emotional maturity of a 20 year old.  Now I am at work from 7am to 5pm Monday through Thursday which means I am home for dinner and the nighttime routine every night.  I can get up early and work out everyday and for the first time in 20 years I don’t feel tired all the time.  It has been great for my family and personal life and has given me time to reflect on the craziness of the past 16 years.

In early 2021, I took my daughter’s 19-year-old boyfriend on a ride along.  He was interested in a career in law enforcement so I agreed to let him come see what it was like.  I wanted to show him a good time and try to get him some excitement but halfway through the shift I felt like I was failing.  We stopped to grab some tacos and I told him I was sorry things were going so slow.  He said to me, “I had never seen a dead body before today.  Its only been a few hours and we’ve already seen three dead bodies.”  He was referring to a middle-aged man that overdosed on fentanyl, a 16-year-old boy who hanged himself after an argument with his father, and a 20 something year old women who was caught in the crossfire of a gang shooting.  Just then we heard some gang unit officers on the radio who were in a vehicle pursuit so we ditched our tacos and ended up being the second vehicle in the chase.  After that we went to another gang shooting at a park with four victims.  Once we got there, we watched an officer directing traffic get hit by a car then drag the driver out and arrest him.  Then, we ended the night by going to the hospital where 150 of the friends and family members from the park shooting had all gathered and started a riot.  I knew after that night he would either change his mind completely and never come back or he would love it and be hooked.  Well now my daughter has two cop parents and a cop boyfriend.  Lucky her.

I have a friend named Jake that I have taken on a few ride alongs and he has come to the conclusion that modern policing is like looking over the edge of civilization.  Jake is good at pointing out the absurdities I have lost the ability to see.  He recently sent me a text message about a high crime apartment complex called “The Willows” he was visiting for his work which read, “That place makes me think of the first time I rode with you.  Literally the first thing on the radio was an elderly lady with green pajama pants wandering in the road, we followed that up immediately by seeing a naked lady walking in front of a high school, on the way to a call of another lady down on the sidewalk who we then contacted, and she informed us there were vampires on top of a hotel eating babies including her son.  Then, we went to a stolen work truck call at The Willows and there was a homeless dude playing guitar, the stolen truck was filled to the brim with homeless belongings and accessories being searched by an officer, and while the other officer was arresting the suspect, a ‘good Samaritan’ walked up within five feet of the officer while holding a giant knife that he found.  None of those things are particularly alarming or noteworthy in isolation, but the fact they were all happening simultaneously within a 20-foot circle made me question reality and realize I was looking at the edge of civilization.  Like experiencing a complete Hunter S. Thompson novel in 30 minutes.”  It should be noted we closed the circle by locating the lady in green pajama pants at the end of the night.

During another ride along with Jake, I told him about the problem with our car meets and takeovers and specifically about a guy in a particular truck club who had been directly involved in two recent major felony cases.  About two hours later we pulled up on a crash where a small passenger car had been t-boned by a large SUV.  The driver and the front passenger of the car, both young women, were obviously dead and the rear passenger, another young woman, was seriously injured.  One of my officers arrived within seconds of the crash and observed the driver of the SUV attempting to flee on foot but he was able to catch him and take him into custody.  As we looked over the scene of twisted metal and smashed dreams, Jake noticed the sticker on the rear window of the SUV and realized that was the same vehicle I had been talking about earlier and after speaking with the officer we confirmed the driver was the same guy.  We left the scene about an hour later and he pointed to some other cars on the road and said, “These people out here are just living their lives and they have no idea that those two girls just got killed.  Police work is like standing on the edge of civilization and looking over to see what’s on the other side.  Most people have no idea any of this stuff is happening even though its right here.”

I realized the benefit of having someone from the outside come and participate in the world of policing is they have a perspective I have lost.  It didn’t occur to me until my daughter’s boyfriend mentioned it that seeing three dead people in three different places before lunch is not normal.  It took Jake’s insight to show me the absurdity of the scene at The Willows or that everywhere we went there was some type of crazy person doing an obviously crazy thing.  But when I looked at his face as he stared through the windshield of the smashed little car, I realized something might be wrong with me.  When I looked at that scene, I saw evidence that needed to be collected and preserved, witnesses who needed to be interviewed, and a criminal case that needed to be investigated properly.  Jake saw two lives that were needlessly ended before they really had a chance to get started.  He saw two families in mourning that were forever changed.  He saw the humanity and I only saw a job that needed to be done.

The most enjoyable part of policing for me is the chaotic and sketchy situations where things are unravelling.  Where decisions must be made, and actions must be taken.  I have always enjoyed puzzles and there are certain situations in police work that can be described as high-level problem solving with dire physical consequences.  My addict brain keeps me coming back for more and when I can’t be a part of the big dangerous scenario, I get a serious case of FOMO.  As long as I can keep doing a good job then the net effects for the public are good, but are there long-term negative effects as an individual from living like this?  It’s good to be able to put your emotions aside so you can make clear decisions based on reason and analysis, but if you practice doing that enough as a profession, does it bleed over into your personal interactions?  Can the acclimatization that keeps you alive and focused through the chaos be bad for you in the long term?  I’m realizing now that maybe I have been in the thick of it for too long.  While I was not happy about my new assignment at first, now I’m starting to think it will be good for me.  Not because I will be better at administrative duties or have a more in depth understanding of a different aspect of policing, but because I will have a chance to sleep, spend time with my family, and disconnect myself from the craziness on the other side.  It will be good to take a step back from the edge…the edge of civilization.