The Lighter Side of Darkness

This was a Logan’s Roadhouse that some homeless people burned down. It is unrelated to the fire from this story.

In early October 2023, my shift and I responded to a structure fire at an apartment with a report of a juvenile trapped inside.  When officers arrived, they found an adult male suffering from major burn injuries in the parking lot and the apartment was fully engulfed.  The man was screaming, “My daughter! My daughter!” and the skin from both of his arms was hanging down in melted shreds.  The fire was too intense to make entry and it was obvious that anyone still inside was already dead.  The fire department arrived shortly thereafter and extinguished the flames.  At that point we were able to go inside where we found the remains of the two-year-old girl who did not make it out. 

The investigation showed the father had left his two daughters ages two and four unattended inside the apartment while he was drinking in the parking lot.  He was cooking something on the stove that he forgot about which was what started the fire.  Once he noticed the fire he rushed in and was able to save the four-year-old, but when he made a second trip he was unable to locate the two-year-old.  The girl’s body had been burned beyond recognition.  The heat was so intense it caused her skull to fracture and fall free from the rest of the head exposing her brain.  When the coroner arrived and conducted a preliminary examination, they found a pacifier still clenched in her mouth.  These are images which cannot be unseen, but are commonplace in police work.

The next day I received a call from the department wellness coordinator.  He had heard and read about the fire and wanted to come by our shift briefing to talk with everyone who was there and offer them services.  He asked me if it was okay for him to bring food and take a few minutes to speak with the officers to which I agreed.  The wellness coordinator came and listened to us debrief the incident and then gave a good talk about what he had to offer if anyone was struggling with what they had seen and experienced.  He brought pizza for everyone to eat and we were all appreciative of his kind gesture and encouraging words.  Once he left the room, one of the officers said, “Hey guys, sorry about that barbequed baby, but at least we got a pizza party out of it.”  This sent the entire room into a fit of laughter. 

In most circles and in most contexts, this would have been wildly inappropriate.  People would say, “An innocent child died a terrible death and you are making a joke about it less than a day later?”  But for this group of people, in this context, and at this moment in time it was exactly the right thing to say.  Most naysayers have rarely, if ever, experienced real tragedy.  These officers marinate in the sorrow of the world.  The idea one could laugh at all of the horrifying things they encounter offends some people’s sensibilities.  So the question is, why do they make a joke out of something so awful, and why do they think it is funny?

One thing I have come to realize is that suffering is guaranteed.  No matter who you are or where you come from, you are guaranteed to suffer.  Suffering might be the most real thing we can experience because it is universal and there is no denying it.  From the deeply religious to the atheist, everyone knows and believes in the reality of pain.  What is not guaranteed is joy.  Joy has to be cultivated through relationships, decision making, and attitude, and even then, joy is fleeting.  In this line of work, if you do not develop the ability to make light in times of darkness, that darkness will consume you.  Your sense of humor is connected to your humanity, and when you lose your sense of humor, you lose part of your humanity. 

Living in civilized society, we don’t often encounter real evil or true darkness.  This is a good thing because when the thin layer of civilization is peeled back and things get bad, they tend to get really bad really fast.  The down side is many of us have lost our ability to cope with evil and have lost touch with the darkness in our own hearts.  We convince ourselves that we are good people because we obey the rules when the truth is most of what is mistaken for goodness is actually just cowardice.  We do what we are supposed to do out of fear for what will happen to us if we step out of line and then tell ourselves and everyone else that we are good people because we follow the rules.  Often times we behave ourselves just because we have forgotten how to be any other way.  Then when something really terrible happens to us or near us we are completely overwhelmed.  This mode of being does not make someone good, it makes them harmless.

A truly good person is someone who learns how to be a bad person and then chooses to be good.  Not necessarily someone who acts out in an evil manner, but someone who recognizes the darkness in themselves.  Someone who knows they are capable of evil, who has a well-developed capacity for mayhem, but chooses not to use it.  This is how you incorporate your shadow into your personality, and bring your dark side under your voluntary control.  This is the true path to goodness and when you do this you will not be overcome by the evil of the world.  Instead, you will be the person who withstands the storm and is useful to others when things go bad.  To laugh in times of darkness is to laugh in the face of evil.  It is to say to the terrible world, “I recognize you because I recognize the terrible part of me.”  It is to triumph instead of being defeated.

So the “good” people out there may judge us for laughing and think of us as the “bad” people.  To that I say we are the people who recognize we are bad, take ownership of our dark side, and put it to work in service of the actual good.  We are bad people trying to do good things.  Maybe there is a better way to do it out there, but I have not found it.  I have seen a lot of people get dragged down and carried away by the darkness, but by God’s grace I’m still here.